Thursday, June 1, 2017

to be seen



it happened when i was running my fingers across the piano keys. the most unlikely of times, really. i had a recital in a week, so i was practicing. generally, i hate practicing, but my piano teacher had instructed me to write a story with the music; and that, i can do. my fingers played but my mind was somewhere else. and before i knew what was happening my heart was clenching with the feeling i get when i am inspired. and i realized something.

the girl in this song, whoever she may be, wanted to be seen.

it's the introvert's greatest paradox: the desire to be seen for who she is. i know who they think i am, i know who i think i am, and i know who i want to be. but they only see what they want to.

they see the things i carry around with me: books, music, a journal, a camera. they hear the things i say: too often complaints concerning the slowness of this life, or broadway lyrics i don't have the voice to sing, or random hypotheticals that carry no relevance. they see what i wear: usually, this time of year, a casual tee from old navy or loft with jeans or jean shorts; birkenstocks or other sandals; and the one casual necklace i have, a pearl tied in the middle of a leather band.

i have to remember that they don't see things as i do. their brains are not hyperactive in the areas of self-preservation and self-consciousness, as mine is. i obsessively predict what everyone is thinking and why she's thinking it, perhaps to try and relieve the anxiety, perhaps to make it worse. so again and again i come to this question: do they see me?

there are many things i am not and a few things i am.

i am, by no means, an artist. i am a writer, perhaps, but all too often i cannot take what i see and translate it to paper an ink.

i am not a perfectionist. i am, however, afraid of the repercussions of imperfection. the motivation to achieve that perfection is nonexistent.

i am not a thinker. i like to think, but i think in terms of feelings. i struggle to keep from turning those feelings into facts. sometimes i catch myself before those feelings become a justification for something i shouldn't do. sometimes i don't.

i am not an all-a student. i always make a low b, sometimes a c, in math. i don't usually have the motivation or the energy to force my brain to think in such confined parameters. 

i am not a child prodigy. for a long time, i wanted to be. then i realized that the spotlight is too hot for kids like me. i am mostly just a normal kid who wants to make it in this world, and that's okay.

i am not an activist. i try to be. i can talk about, write about, issues all day long, but when it comes to actually doing something about them, i never know where to begin. perhaps i'll grow out of that.

i am not a genius. the more i learn, i find, the less i know. it is humbling to live in a world so full of things to know, because i know i can never know all of them.

i am a writer, a dreamer, the proud owner of a perpetually messy mind. i may not be unique, but i strive to be. i may not make a difference yet, but i want to. i may not talk much, but i relish the moments when i feel the sun on my skin and smile because i am alive. i may seem boring, but i like to stargaze and feel the wind in my hair and laugh till my insides ache.

those are just a few things. do you see me yet?





p.s. the annual q & a vlog is coming this summer. i'll post officially asking for questions in the near future. thanks for reading <3



8 comments :

  1. THIS IS SO RAW AND REAL AND BEAUTIFUL. <333 I love how you always just say it like it is and it hugs my soul like poetry. Also this line really touched me: "it is humbling to live in a world so full of things to know, because i know i can never know all of them." <<<< yes. :''')

    ALLOW ME TO ADD SOMETHING:

    YOU ARE: A SUPERNOVA STAR AND AN EXPLOSIVE BEAUTIFUL LIGHT OF INSPIRATION TO OTHERS <3333333333333 that's what I see. ;)

    love you so much girl

    rock on,
    abbiee

    p.s. I can't wait for the vlog!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abbie you are so sweet! honestly compliments from you are such an honor :'''') love you!!!

      Delete
  2. I've been doing some thinking into how we perceive others. Do we see them as they are or how we want to see them? Do we stop at the first stereotype that we can attribute to them or dig deep into their beautiful contradictions? This post said so beautifully how complex and lovely God made us. Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much for reading, Hannah!

      Delete
  3. You are honestly one of the most eloquent people that I've ever known. How do you put everything into words so perfectly?

    I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Perceptions of people vs their realities, the contradictions of human beings, the complexity of us all. It's baffling to think about, really.

    It truly is the introvert's constant paradox. And you put it perfectly.

    And can I just say, when I see you? I see one of the coolest humans I have the pleasure of knowing. <3 I think that a coffee date summer adventure needs to happen in the very near future. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhhh grace anne! Just the other day I was thinking about having coffee with you! Let's do it soon!!!

      Delete
  4. Okay, your writing is always so beautiful. Like honestly I think about so many of these things you mentioned, yet you just put it into words so beautifully, something I could not do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much, Lauren! you're awesome <3

      Delete

As the old proverb goes, comments are good for the soul. Or something like that. So, comment away! Throw kindness out like confetti!