Saturday, October 29, 2016

NaNoWriMo // Why I Write Episode 2



It's been awhile, hasn't it? My apologies -- I'm sure most of you know the pressures of high school, especially Junior Year. You have all these voices trying to get in your head, and you aren't sure which one to listen to. How are you supposed to balance it all? Getting good grades, exercising, eating right, and all the things you actually want to do like writing and reading and playing music and actually getting to spend time with people you love. All the while people are telling you that you're not trying hard enough, that life is only as hard as you make it, and you feel so utterly misunderstood because no one gets it. No matter how many times you say it out loud, it doesn't come out right and it never will because words only make sense to you when they're written down.

So, yeah, maybe this isn't really an universal struggle, just my struggle, and no matter what people say, I know they can't really understand because they're not me and they never will be. Lately I've realized more and more that I will always be misunderstood if I can't find a way to use my voice. 

For a long time now I've contemplated writing a novel entitled In Between. It is, essentially, the story of me, told from the perspective of Henry Wright. It's not so much a literal interpretation of my life as it is metaphorical. That is, if you know me in real life, there isn't a character who's supposed to be you. Most of the physical struggles Henry faces are metaphors for emotional and spiritual struggles I've faced, and the characters are, more or less, different types of people I've encountered who have helped and hurt me. 

This is a really big deal for me; I've dreamed of writing a novel for as long as I can remember. But I'm a creative crock-pot. It takes a long time for an idea of mine to take root. I have to mess around with it a bit, test the waters, to make sure it's good enough to spend all my time on. I've toyed with the idea of this one for a good year or so, and I'm proud to say that this is the one.

And as most of you in the blog-o-sphere know, November is National Novel Writing Month. Thanks to NaNoWriMo, tons of writers spend November beginning and finishing their brand new novels. This year, I plan to participate. 

Now, I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes because you don't see any of the things I've just written could possibly be related: first I complain because I'm so misunderstood and I don't have time for anything, and then I announce that I'm beginning my first novel. Never fear, friends, I shall explain.

Face-to-face, out-loud communication, as I've said before, has never been easy for me. My whole life I've struggled with feeling things and knowing things that I can't explain because I can't communicate it.  Do you know how annoying it is when you believe something so strongly or when something rips your heart out and you can't tell someone because you don't know how? You don't know how not because you're stupid or incompetent or empty-headed, but because you do not possess the ability. 

For a long time I thought this meant that I wasn't smart, that I wasn't the right material to be a Christian or a Republican or even a Reid because all three of those things imply that you have strong convictions that you're willing to fight for and that you can readily defend when someone tries to shoot you down. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still struggle with this, but something has since made me realize that God made me the way I am for a reason. I may not succeed in verbal communication, but that insufficiency has given me a great talent for saying what I want to through my writing. I'm not bragging -- God gets all the credit for that, believe me. What I mean to say is that I write because I'd go completely crazy without it. Words are my livelihood. And, unless I want to be utterly misunderstood for the rest of my life, I need to write this novel. 

No, I don't want to be rich or famous. I want to be heard. No, I don't care if only three people read my novel and decided it's rubbish. I just want my voice to be out there. I just want a chance, okay? That's all I'm asking for. You don't have to like my beliefs or my book or anything I say, but I, as a member of the human race, deserve to be heard. I've spent my entire life listening to other people tell me their stories, but I've never had the guts to tell mine. 

This is me, speaking out. 

Stay tuned, okay? 

4 comments :

  1. Oh my goodness, this post = all the feelz. Seriously though, this is so good, and I think it's awesome that you're doing NaNo so your voice can be heard in this loud world x)
    Good luck this month!

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  2. Staying tuned for sure. And can I just say go you? GO YOU for speaking out. GO YOU for realizing so deep down that you deserve to be heard, and that the world is waiting to hear your unique voice, and that it is NEEDED. Best of luck as you start out on your new adventure with the novel, Mary Shelley

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  3. I am so freaking proud of you, Mary Shelley. You are one amazing person, wow. <3 You've got this.

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