Colorado Diaries // Episode 3

Monday, August 8, 2016

Each night at Frontier Ranch, we'd have this thing called Cabin Time. Every girl in our cabin would sit in a circle, and we'd just get real with each other. Each night after cabin time, I'd have this immense sense of peace. This is what we're supposed to do, I said to myself. This was the purpose for Christians on this earth: to share our burdens and point each other to the only one who can take away those burdens, Jesus.

29 June 2016 // Frontier Trip: Day 6
Last night during cabin time, several girls opened up about their "dark corners." The speaker encouraged us to be transparent, and I really tried. But in reality, the only dark part of me is sin. and everyone knows that exists. I haven't ever contemplated suicide, and I have a loving family that most kids would be jealous of.

My life is good. Really good. And the fact that I desire something outside of that comfortable goodness is so selfish. 

So I guess my dark corner is pride. I've got a lot of it. I'd rather leave the people I love than risk hurting them, which only hurts them more. I'd rather live in a comfortable bubble than put myself out there and do what I'm called to do: love. It disgusts me that I'm so comfortable loving myself and not others.

So there. There's my dark corner... It's just me; everything below my skin is a dark corner. I'm so full of pride that I cannot even empathize with others. I can't weep with those who weep or rejoice with those who rejoice because I can't even put myself out there...

Western Night (excuse the double chin)

I found out a lot about myself at Frontier. There were dark places discovered that I didn't know existed. I was hesitant sharing this because I don't know if I've ever been this transparent on the blog before, but I think it's important to show y'all that I'm just a person. I struggle and sin, too, every day in fact. 

I find myself wishing every day that I'll find more today than I did the day before. I want to be bold, audacious. I want to take risks and see places and meet people, but all the while, I'm scared to step out of what I know.

True life, I think, is found outside of our comfort zone, and that is why I desire so much more than this little life I'm living. I can't quite make sense of it even now, a month after camp, but I know more is coming. Jesus promises us life to the full in John 10:10, and I believe, before my days are through, I'll find that life. Some way, somehow, somewhere, whether it be Tennessee or Australia or anywhere else, I have to find it. But, I think, before God allows me to find that, I have to find a way to really love others instead of just tolerating them. God is teaching me something big in this In Between, and though he can't guarantee I come out unscarred, he can guarantee I come out better, brighter, cleaner. And so that promise is what keeps me going, that this isn't for nothing. In John 13:7, Jesus says, "You don't understand what I'm doing now, but someday you will." Hold on to that with me, will you?


  1. wow.

    This is exactly how I feel. Uncannily similar. For I too come from a nice life and a great home, but I struggle with pride, with loving myself more than others. This weakens the quality of this /life/ that I live. I think that I'll be happy if I get everything my way, but true happiness comes from not paying so much attention to /my/ way and more attention to THE Way and His love poured out for others.

    Thank you SO MUCH for the reminder this afternoon. Yes, thank you.

    1. Thank YOU, Hannah, for that beautifully worded reminder!

  2. Your last paragraph. Oh my goodness.

    I struggle with all of this. This post was so beautifully raw and honest and I'm so glad that you shared it. <3

  3. Mary Shelley, I've been reading your blog for a while now (like since January or so) when a mutual friend of ours introduced me to it. I've been encouraged and challenged by your thoughts - especially in this post! Keep writing. Keep being real. God is using you!

    1. Thank you, Lauren! I'd love to meet you sometime!