Colorado Diaries // Episode 3

Monday, August 8, 2016

Each night at Frontier Ranch, we'd have this thing called Cabin Time. Every girl in our cabin would sit in a circle, and we'd just get real with each other. Each night after cabin time, I'd have this immense sense of peace. This is what we're supposed to do, I said to myself. This was the purpose for Christians on this earth: to share our burdens and point each other to the only one who can take away those burdens, Jesus.

29 June 2016 // Frontier Trip: Day 6
Last night during cabin time, several girls opened up about their "dark corners." The speaker encouraged us to be transparent, and I really tried. But in reality, the only dark part of me is sin. and everyone knows that exists. I haven't ever contemplated suicide, and I have a loving family that most kids would be jealous of.

My life is good. Really good. And the fact that I desire something outside of that comfortable goodness is so selfish. 

So I guess my dark corner is pride. I've got a lot of it. I'd rather leave the people I love than risk hurting them, which only hurts them more. I'd rather live in a comfortable bubble than put myself out there and do what I'm called to do: love. It disgusts me that I'm so comfortable loving myself and not others.

So there. There's my dark corner... It's just me; everything below my skin is a dark corner. I'm so full of pride that I cannot even empathize with others. I can't weep with those who weep or rejoice with those who rejoice because I can't even put myself out there...

Western Night (excuse the double chin)

I found out a lot about myself at Frontier. There were dark places discovered that I didn't know existed. I was hesitant sharing this because I don't know if I've ever been this transparent on the blog before, but I think it's important to show y'all that I'm just a person. I struggle and sin, too, every day in fact. 

I find myself wishing every day that I'll find more today than I did the day before. I want to be bold, audacious. I want to take risks and see places and meet people, but all the while, I'm scared to step out of what I know.

True life, I think, is found outside of our comfort zone, and that is why I desire so much more than this little life I'm living. I can't quite make sense of it even now, a month after camp, but I know more is coming. Jesus promises us life to the full in John 10:10, and I believe, before my days are through, I'll find that life. Some way, somehow, somewhere, whether it be Tennessee or Australia or anywhere else, I have to find it. But, I think, before God allows me to find that, I have to find a way to really love others instead of just tolerating them. God is teaching me something big in this In Between, and though he can't guarantee I come out unscarred, he can guarantee I come out better, brighter, cleaner. And so that promise is what keeps me going, that this isn't for nothing. In John 13:7, Jesus says, "You don't understand what I'm doing now, but someday you will." Hold on to that with me, will you?

6 comments:

  1. wow.

    This is exactly how I feel. Uncannily similar. For I too come from a nice life and a great home, but I struggle with pride, with loving myself more than others. This weakens the quality of this /life/ that I live. I think that I'll be happy if I get everything my way, but true happiness comes from not paying so much attention to /my/ way and more attention to THE Way and His love poured out for others.

    Thank you SO MUCH for the reminder this afternoon. Yes, thank you.

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    1. Thank YOU, Hannah, for that beautifully worded reminder!

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  2. Your last paragraph. Oh my goodness.

    I struggle with all of this. This post was so beautifully raw and honest and I'm so glad that you shared it. <3

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    1. Thank you for commenting, Grace Anne. YTB!!!

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  3. Mary Shelley, I've been reading your blog for a while now (like since January or so) when a mutual friend of ours introduced me to it. I've been encouraged and challenged by your thoughts - especially in this post! Keep writing. Keep being real. God is using you!

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    1. Thank you, Lauren! I'd love to meet you sometime!

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