This is Me, messy haired and messy hearted.

Sunday, August 9, 2015



I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not perfect or unquestioningly affectionate. I'm sorry that, for now, I see more flaws than anything else. I'm sorry that I'm jealous.

I'm sorry that no matter what I write, nothing is good enough.



I'm sorry that one day I'll amount to no more than a starving artist, destined to write and write and write.

I'm sorry that I'll never be enough.


So really, I guess, I'm sorry that this is me. I'm sorry that you're somehow acquainted with a miserable, inexcusably wretched mess. 

I'll always be a mess, I think. I'll always fall miserably for someone I can't have. I'll always stretch for the impossible and fall short. I'll always be less than I should be, and that will drive me mad.

And so I've turned myself into a sort of monster, stretching far beyond perfection but never achieving it, driving myself to the edge of a cliff and nearly falling every time.

But I suppose that makes me who I am, for if I try to be anything else, I amount to less than nothing.

So this is my dilemma, hiding myself behind the walls of everyone and everything, but longing to be known by the world. 

I tried to change myself for them. I tried to be amiable and self-sufficient. I tried to appear as a fortress in the midst of every circumstance, and this is where it has gotten me: broken and shriveled, messy and unclean before the King of kings, the Great High Priest. 

And who am I that He should care, but somehow He does. Somehow He is broken for me. Oh, the depth and riches of His love, for when He didn't need me at all, He wanted me, and that is the most beautiful thing.

2 comments:

  1. CRIES
    this is beautiful and raw and so precious. oh man. ohhh man. i've felt like this so many times in life. "hiding myself behind the walls of everyone and everything, but longing to be known by the world"? yeah, i get that. i understand.

    i'll be praying for you, and i echo the beauty that God wants us even though He doesn't need it. it just warms my soul. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elisabeth, you are so sweet ❤️ And your posts are goals so your comment means oh so much. I'm so grateful that you understand :)

      Have a blessed day!
      xoxo
      ms

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